just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
