3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
