mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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