Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
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