Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
