I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
