Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
We need to get me chipped asap
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