I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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