her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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