u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
