i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
