i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
