I like my sex mixed with concussions.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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