i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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