You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
