Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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