so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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