I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
