is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
