I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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