while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
