I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
