tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
