Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
