1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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