Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
