This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
