oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Randomize
