I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
