So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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