okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
