I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
