No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
