Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
my poor anus
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
