Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
