Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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