Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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