Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
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