i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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