nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
