I wish I could teleport
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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