Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
