i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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