Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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