y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
