i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Randomize
