I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
