She said her name was "party"
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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