well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
