I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
