hell yes lets make some ravioli
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
